Monday, June 21, 2010

it's completely unbearable to think about. I wish I wasn't thinking of it right now.

But it's all I can think about at the moment.

Lots of blank staring. and crying. headaches. I cancelled my photography group shoot that was supposed to be this morning. I hadn't slept all night.

This comes from the lowest of low places in my life. I never want to be here again.

somethings are so very personal I can't be sure if it's shareable. I'm not sure if this is one of those things or not. Keep reading and you will see why I choose to do so.

After the lights went out and the T.V. was shut off and it finally became very silent, I lay in bed just sobbing. I didn't want to say it out loud. I didn't want to say anything, but especially not this.

chad, We almost lost Lucy today.


She's ok, he says

But she almost wasn't! It was close. Too close. Way too close.

Yesterday lucy fell asleep in the car on the way to wish chad's dad a happy father's day. She was left by accident in the hot car. I don't even know how long she was in there. I don't know what time it was when we got there, or when we left our house. Looking at the clock after discovering her didn't tell me anything, but it was a while.

Lucy must have some very devoted angles looking after her. I've ran this through my head a million times. I don't know how we escaped life altering misery. Only by the grace of God is all I can come up with.

If Lancee hadn't decided to leave when she did... or if Lucy hadn't been crying when she was... I can't bear to let my mind wander there even one more time. She'd be gone. I wouldn't have even wondered where she was, because in my mind she was playing with her cousins back in the toy room. There's nothing odd about that.

She said she wasn't crying in there very long, he tells me...

that makes me feel worse actually. To me that just means we were even closer than I thought. If she hadn't started crying yet... or if she gave up...

I was talking about this to my sister a couple of weeks ago. We said "it happens when schedules change, and things out of the ordinary take place."

it's true. We don't ordinarily visit Chad's parents on Sunday. And if we do there aren't ordinarily tons of people there, and Chad doesn't ordinarily grumble at me for parking too close to the wall, and Kassidy doesn't ordinarily bang the car door into the wall which makes it worse, and Tawna doesn't ordinarily pull up behind us and Razz us about not being able to leave until She decides to...

But one thing that does ordinarily happen is in the late afternoon if you put Lucy in the car she immediately falls asleep. And would you believe I was just telling Trevor that earlier that very day when he asked if she still takes naps?...

There is an amazing photographer who is an amazing person who lost an amazing little girl in a very similar way. I don't follow very many blogs, I would say there's about 3 total I look at all the time and all others I read only every so often. Sheye's is one blog I always read. I've been following her for years now. I love to look at her work and I love to read her words. She is very genuine. I often cry reading her posts. I cried the other day reading her most recent post in fact. I think of her loss, what she has to bear, and the circumstance surrounding her tragedy often. This is never far from my mind, so how did this happen to me?

I remember her describing how crystal clear the happenings of that day are to her. How she remembers every little detail she would have otherwise forgotten. And you know what? I think something similar happens when it comes so very close to you.

I see Lucy in daddy's arms and her head is sweaty and I see the braid, and like a haunting echo I remember leaning over to my sister who was blessing her baby in church that day, and saying sarcastically, who did Lucy's hair today? It looked terrible. It was me, I did it, though I didn't say so. So when she came close to ask me for some candy I snatched her up and pulled her hair out of the pony and put a little french braid in the front and then ponied it back up. It looked 100x's better. And When she came back for candy again she had the flower from Natalie's hair sitting right on top of her head. I thought it looked silly plopped right on top. it didn't go with her dress what-so-ever. But silly as it was I left it there, because in a way it was so adorable. And there it still sat, atop her sweaty little head. Glad to see it bobbling around.

and I thought of the video I took of her earlier that day at Stacey's house. She gave me the grumpiest look. And she held up one of Kallie's baby dolls and asked if she could please have one of those for her half birthday. And I lay there thinking that could have so easily been the last capture of my precious baby girl. And i think of the video I was taking minutes before she was discovered and I remember thinking how fun this would be to look at in a few years when the kids on it are a bit older, She was out in the car crying her eyes out and I was inside videoing what would have been the most painful footage ever to watch. And I would never have ever watched it.

little things kept popping in my mind.

like when I walked into the kitchen and saw her cup of milk sitting on the counter right where she placed it after asking for milk. I said no. It's because the cup already had milk in it from the first time she asked me for milk that morning. She wanted fresh milk because that milk was rotten... I didn't give her any.

and I remembered how she looked laying on the bed in Natalie's room early that morning. I woke the other girls up to make Chad breakfast at 6:25 am because thats about what time he gets home from work... but I let her sleep.

and how she came and asked me if she could sing "Happy Father's Day" to daddy... I said sure, never heard that song before. She plopped down right at chads feet and sang Happy Father's Day to the happy b-day tune. And it was the cutest thing ever. She had a very serious look on her face.

And how I came home from the blessing and declared to Chad "we need a new car!" he wondered why, and I said, "because our car is too hot!" It's true what they say, black cars really are hotter. It was the hottest day we've had I am pretty sure.

and the Father's day card she made for Grandpa. It was tucked in the pocket of the drivers seat right in front of where she sits in the car. We never made it to that Grandpa's house that night. I never did get to properly say happy Father's day to my dad. I knew I was just going to be a bumbling crying mess for the rest of the night. i didn't even call. Just a short email to my mom with essential details.

and how just the day before we went swimming and we were teaching her how to swim... you know because we don't want her to drown. She was catching on real quick.

I've felt sick all day. I couldn't be madder at myself. I thought maybe it would all feel better in the morning. But it didn't. I cried more. I laid in bed well past noon. I slept on and off. I had a dream. Sheye was in it. I was in Anthropologie, and she came in looking for earrings. i was standing right next to them, i called her over, she said thank you and I walked out so nonchalantly as if it didn't matter at all that I just ran into one of my fav. photogs ever...

Lucy would come in and wake me up every now and again. The one time she whispered to me, I'm sorry I didn't get myself out.

and thats when I decided I had better get out of bed. Perk up you know. For I was so so very blessed. My mom invited us over for a swim and a steak grill. It wasn't as fun as Saturday night but I wasn't laying in bed crying so it was good.

When my mind wanders back to the unbearable thought of what if, then I think... this is an amazing day.

This is an amazing girl!

Lucy Emma Jane. 3 day's after her 4th birthday. Getting ready for her first recital :)

Please be so aware of your babies! it's hot outside and even hotter in the car. Why isn't there something to prevent these things from happening??

Please take a moment to read "Ava's rule" for a larger image click here. Or for more info go here.